Does a Number Define Me?

Does a number define me? Right now it feels like it does. And I am not proud of that fact. I am trying to put on my workout pants and get over it, but I am mad. I worked out for two and a half hours at the gym yesterday, ate perfectly (even had the correct amount of animal protein) and even played three games of sand volleyball in the heat. Then, I went to a new Mexican restaurant and had three glasses of water – no margarita’s, no chips. And I felt great. Then I weighed today because I wanted to see the fruits of my labor. And I was UP 1.2 pounds and it broke my heart. I am not sure why I care, but I do. So, I was up four after having my chocolate wine and pizza on Sunday… and I was sure I would have lost some of that with my hard work this week – but I gained more!! I cannot help but let this make me mad. How can it be so hard for me to lose and maintain my goal weight? When I saw my old boss this weekend he said that he expected me to look emaciated with the way I eat and how hard I work out. I DO TOO!! How can it be so hard to lose and maintain a decent weight? I am not trying to be rail thin… I am simply trying to NOT be classified as overweight! According to the bodybugg, I should lose about two pounds a week, and that NEVER happens. I have learned that my body simply does not respond to the whole “calories in, calories out” concept. I need to really avoid sugar and dairy and pretty much anything processed. Even when I do that – those numbers so not balance out for me. And it is soooo hard to not let it get to me. I want to be above a number on the scale, but I am not. I want to be, but I always let it break my heart. And I hate that about myself. This whole numbers game I never win is part of ME and I try to accept it. There are days when I accept what it is and I am truly grateful for this odd body I have. It is the body that had my children and the body that my children use as a pillow to watch TV. I am proud of how strong I have become and how much effort I am able to put forth… but, at the end of the day, I feel like that effort should produce results. And when it doesn’t, it makes me sad. :(

Before, during, and now....

I still have to work at losing a few pounds and getting less body fat %, but I worked hard and finally hit my original WW goal. It took a long time, but the first picture was when I realized I needed to take better care of myself and I joined Weight Watchers (it did not work for me - Jan 2007)... The next picture is in the middle of my journey (May 2009) when I became a runner and ran my first 5K (in 28 minutes). The final picture is the day I hit my WW goal (finally - April 2011). It took a lot of reading and learning and hard work as well as learning to lift weights to build muscle. I have really tightened my eating and given up dairy and most animal products.... I work out hard almost every day. And, I know this will always be a work in progress for me. There is no end to my journey... every day is a challenge of balancing health and fitness and nutrition. I know it will never be easy, but I hope my efforts help my girls have an easier time when it comes to their life journey.

Two legs down, one to go...

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Triathlon is made to order featuring:

• 375M (.25 mile) swim
• 10K (6.2 mile) bike
• 2.5K (1.55 mile) run


I ran 1.5 miles today and biked 7 miles.... swam 515M yesterday.... so I did it. I did two of the three legs today outside in the heat and I did it! And it was not easy, but I will only get better the more I train, and I still have 7 weeks before the big day. I CAN DO THIS and I believe I can even do it well and possibly enjoy it, too. Who knew? I like feeling strong. And today I felt great.

Finding my strength...

This picture is not me.... but I swam today and I swam HARD. And I liked it. I felt ill walking into the gym with Neil and the girls for family time. I thought I might throw up. Maybe it was the pizza I had for dinner (full fat with cow cheese) or the part of the brownie I had with Kal at the Orland Mall or the cheese on the baked white potato I had for dinner at the mall??? Who knows really?? I just felt horrible. I had run 3.4 miles at home and done abs and legs and by the time we got to the gym, I felt awful.
Playing in the water with the girls made me feel a little better and I treaded water for a long time catching Kaya while she jumped in. I no longer felt like puking, and the water felt good actually. Once they kicked us out cause family time was over, Neil said since I was there I should swim laps. He suggested it on his own and the weak part of me thought I should tell him no - that I would just go home with him and the kids.
But, the strong part of me prevailed and he took the kids for 30 minutes. I ran to the lap pool and am SO PROUD to say I swam 12 hard laps - fast for me with very few breaks in the 20 minutes.... I ended up swimming 515 meters which is MORE than I need to swim in the Super Sprint Triathalon later this summer!! And it felt AWESOME. I mean, it felt GREAT. I was so excited. I felt like I was BACK and like I forgave myself for some poor eating choices these past few days.
While I swam I talked myself into believing I was still strong even though I had a few weak moments these past few days. I tend to think that since I messed up a little, everything I have achieved is gone. It is not. I can make mistakes and pull myself back onto the track. There is no need to punish myself. Just make a better choice next time. Workout hard and be grateful for the energy I have to do so. Eat better next time and make a better choice next time.... breathe deeply and know that I might be up a few pounds this week, but I will not gain back the 40 I have lost. I am not a weak person because I made a few poor choices. I am HUMAN and trying to accept a little gray in this battle of health and fitness. It meant a lot to me that Neil (on his own) offered to take the girls to let me swim. It meant he gets it more than I give him credit for. It meant that he knew this all matters to me. It meant that he sees how strong I am becoming and he knew I needed a push. He pushed me basically into the pool and then I pushed myself to a new distance. AND IT FELT AWESOME! I even have crock pot caramel apple oatmeal in the crock pot to start the day off right tomorrow. Go me! :)

Finding Strength....

People always ask me how I am so motivated and energetic and I never know what to say.... it is just sort of the way I am built I guess. I am usually in a pretty good mood and the better I eat and the more I work out, the better I feel. Today is a day that is trying my patience with myself as I want to rest instead of workout, do homework, and clean the house.... I feel like crawling back into Kaya's super cool bed (she has the BEST comforter from Ikea). The kids woke up pretty early as always so the dream of sleeping in never happened.... I took them to the Farmer's Market and then did some homework. Now I am going to sneak in a bike ride before they make us take them to Omni for Family Swim. Could do homework all day, but that does not seem fun for a holiday weekend, does it??

The good, the bad, and the sad....

I am struggling this week. Worse than I have in a very long time. I am humbled by how hard it is for me to workout this week and to make strong eating choices.... It almost feels like I am being buried in quicksand and I HATE IT. I hate feeling scared and weak and sad. I know a big part of it is missing my mom. There are certain times that longing for her to be here watching my girls overwhelms me and takes over. And I have let it get to me this week. Between running the girls around to camps and games, trying to make the best choices for Busia and her dental issues, feeling frantically behind in Taylor School work and worried about being unemployeed forever and never teaching again... I am letting myself feel consumed.
I did not even workout yesterday, I made POOR food choices, and I slept most of the day. I woke up today too late to run so I took the girls to school so when I came home I had to make a choice to go back to bed until I had to go get them or put on my big girl running shoes and run. I went back and forth and after wasting 20 minutes I decided to run. So I did. I ran hard and fast and even sideways and backwards on the treadmill (it is pouring rain today which only makes my sad mood worse)... I pushed it harder than I wanted to. And, I watched a show called Extreme Makeover where this trainer works for a year on helping a morbidly obese person reclaim her life. Guess what - this young lady's mother had died and she missed her. She missed her so much she could not get rid of her diabetes needles. She missed her mom so much she ate her pain and fear of being without her mom. I WAS SOBBING as I ran. My neck was wet because I get it. I understand that horrible feeling of being alone without my mom for the rest of my life.
This lady started at 433 pounds and got down to 231 in one year. She was sobbing at the end thanking her mom for always telling her she was strong. She said it took losing her mom and reaching her lowest point to finally figure out what her mom meant by that.
My word of the year is strong. And I have felt VERY WEAK this week. But I ran today and I do not think it was an acccident that out of everything I have saved on DVR I picked that show to watch.
I am having a rough couple days and feeling weak. But, I know I am stronger than I ever thought possible. And when I look through the rain, I know my Mom is still here watching and proud that I put down the cinnamon roll and ran today. I know it.

Salads, Parade Candy and Vegan Cottage Cheez....

OK, doing average... not perfect, not badly on the 30 Day detox this weekend. Had three pieces of candy during the parade... one of the kids was throwing YUMMY, my favorite Bullseye caramels.... really?? Why not just toss out the cheap crap that I can pass right up?? :) So, I had three with my 9 year old pointing out that I was not supposed to eat that (so I totally snuck the third one without her seeing - how sad is that anyway??) And, I had too many raw macadamia nuts and missed out on my BIG daily salad yesterday. I did sip a protein smoothie while Busia and the girls ate at the ever gross CiCis Pizza which made me proud....

Made a kicking salad tonight and Turkey Chili for the week and Vegan Cottage cheez (my 87 year old grandma thought it was NASTY). Cut up and washed lots of fruit and veggies for the week. Have a healthy meal plan outlined even with the insane all star schedule we have going on this week. I am trying hard. And proud of my efforts to say the least. Not 100% where I would like to be but DARN THOSE BULLSEYES!! And I am Ok with where I am. Doing the best I can day by day. Working out hard and hanging in there. Hoping to sneak in a nice run tonight. So, not sure if I will be down this week, but hoping I will be down a bit and going to stay the corse no matter what the scale says on Tuesday. Hope you are making healthy choices day-by-day.