Does a Number Define Me?

Does a number define me? Right now it feels like it does. And I am not proud of that fact. I am trying to put on my workout pants and get over it, but I am mad. I worked out for two and a half hours at the gym yesterday, ate perfectly (even had the correct amount of animal protein) and even played three games of sand volleyball in the heat. Then, I went to a new Mexican restaurant and had three glasses of water – no margarita’s, no chips. And I felt great. Then I weighed today because I wanted to see the fruits of my labor. And I was UP 1.2 pounds and it broke my heart. I am not sure why I care, but I do. So, I was up four after having my chocolate wine and pizza on Sunday… and I was sure I would have lost some of that with my hard work this week – but I gained more!! I cannot help but let this make me mad. How can it be so hard for me to lose and maintain my goal weight? When I saw my old boss this weekend he said that he expected me to look emaciated with the way I eat and how hard I work out. I DO TOO!! How can it be so hard to lose and maintain a decent weight? I am not trying to be rail thin… I am simply trying to NOT be classified as overweight! According to the bodybugg, I should lose about two pounds a week, and that NEVER happens. I have learned that my body simply does not respond to the whole “calories in, calories out” concept. I need to really avoid sugar and dairy and pretty much anything processed. Even when I do that – those numbers so not balance out for me. And it is soooo hard to not let it get to me. I want to be above a number on the scale, but I am not. I want to be, but I always let it break my heart. And I hate that about myself. This whole numbers game I never win is part of ME and I try to accept it. There are days when I accept what it is and I am truly grateful for this odd body I have. It is the body that had my children and the body that my children use as a pillow to watch TV. I am proud of how strong I have become and how much effort I am able to put forth… but, at the end of the day, I feel like that effort should produce results. And when it doesn’t, it makes me sad. :(