I am struggling this week. Worse than I have in a very long time. I am humbled by how hard it is for me to workout this week and to make strong eating choices.... It almost feels like I am being buried in quicksand and I HATE IT. I hate feeling scared and weak and sad. I know a big part of it is missing my mom. There are certain times that longing for her to be here watching my girls overwhelms me and takes over. And I have let it get to me this week. Between running the girls around to camps and games, trying to make the best choices for Busia and her dental issues, feeling frantically behind in Taylor School work and worried about being unemployeed forever and never teaching again... I am letting myself feel consumed.
I did not even workout yesterday, I made POOR food choices, and I slept most of the day. I woke up today too late to run so I took the girls to school so when I came home I had to make a choice to go back to bed until I had to go get them or put on my big girl running shoes and run. I went back and forth and after wasting 20 minutes I decided to run. So I did. I ran hard and fast and even sideways and backwards on the treadmill (it is pouring rain today which only makes my sad mood worse)... I pushed it harder than I wanted to. And, I watched a show called Extreme Makeover where this trainer works for a year on helping a morbidly obese person reclaim her life. Guess what - this young lady's mother had died and she missed her. She missed her so much she could not get rid of her diabetes needles. She missed her mom so much she ate her pain and fear of being without her mom. I WAS SOBBING as I ran. My neck was wet because I get it. I understand that horrible feeling of being alone without my mom for the rest of my life.
This lady started at 433 pounds and got down to 231 in one year. She was sobbing at the end thanking her mom for always telling her she was strong. She said it took losing her mom and reaching her lowest point to finally figure out what her mom meant by that.
My word of the year is strong. And I have felt VERY WEAK this week. But I ran today and I do not think it was an acccident that out of everything I have saved on DVR I picked that show to watch.
I am having a rough couple days and feeling weak. But, I know I am stronger than I ever thought possible. And when I look through the rain, I know my Mom is still here watching and proud that I put down the cinnamon roll and ran today. I know it.
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